deadbeat daughter
The other day I came across the phrase deadbeat daughter.
I have been contemplating since if I am one. I do realize eventually that I'm not? And this is just my guilt speaking because in my mind and with all things considered: I have already moved out of my parents' house, but the thing is, I don't think my parents know. Or they just haven't coped with it yet.
They still call my apartment a dorm like what it used to be when I was a student. But it's an apartment and they no longer financially support me in any way. I don't correct them because in my head it's already an exhausting conversation. Exhibit A, a conversation with my dad the other day:
d: why didn't you come home (this weekend)?
tb: i need to handle receiving and organizing new furniture in our home
d: wow. furniture... home... big words
Yet another failure of tech: I can never really know if my parents are being passive-aggressive.
One thing is for sure, though: my mind defaults to being defensive and a little butthurt, because what does that mean? Communication has never really been our family's strongest suit. Hell, it might as well be an extraterrestrial idea. But whatever, I realized that I should not take it seriously and left the conversation at that. Nothing will ruin my happiness with my new furniture even if it's really only my own thoughts.
As for my mom, we talked about job-hopping once. She's concerned what will happen to my apartment when I move on to a new job. I don't tell her that it's the other way around, that I will look for jobs near my apartment simply because.... this is where I live now TT
At this point, I want to invoke my right to self-incrimination. I am actually a great communicator in the rest of my relationships, but I have my reasons why I don't speak up to my parents. I am writing about it now though. Perhaps, to have a better grasp on this when I find myself in a similar situation. Then I'd know what to say. Perhaps.
The situation of my current job may be the strongest evidence on my possibility of being a deadbeat daughter: I lied to them by an omission that has long festered. They think that I work on the office 5 days a week, which is why I need to rent an apartment. But I don't. In May, I only went to the office twice. They don't know I spend most of my days puttering about my home, or at the gym, doing what I want and what makes me happy.
When it started, of course my reasoning was I didn't want them to think I didn't need my apartment. That I know, they'd question me if I tell them, they'd say why wouldn't you just work from home, here? In our home, where you don't need to pay rent?
The answer is peace of mind. And I am willing to put my money that.
If I tell them that, what then? Because I do absolutely need my apartment. There is no doubt that I want to live with my girlfriend. I want to cook my own food, be independent and free of judgment. I want to be me. I need to be me. So I need my apartment.
I have this idea, that my parents unintentionally corroborate with things they say and the things they do, that they will never understand what I need. Or me in general. And I don't bother explaining and to make myself feel better I deem it as an act of picking my battles, but really it is just me being a coward, driven by my everlasting fear of disappointing them.
I did it once. It was the time of when I came out. I spoke up, bared everything that I am to them, and by the end I was terribly hurt and the experience scarred me for life. But that's a story for another day :)
I always end up wondering if what would happen if I was straight. I don't think I'd even consider if I am a deadbeat daughter. I think I would know, for certain, that my parents support and love me because I'm on the path they want for me.
With how long me and r have been together, if we were a straight couple, they'd probably already be pestering us when we'll marry, have kids, buy a house and car and all that. But that's not us and from the bottom of my heart, I wouldn't trade anything in the world for what I have right now.
If I have to lie to my parents about this as my way of protecting their feelings, then so be it. After all these years they still can't stomach the fact that I'm with the person I'm going to grow old with.
I guess that is the root of our great divide and that leads to me being scarce. So does it really warrant me being a deadbeat daughter? I might just have parents who don't support me like I want them to.
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