just because
I am thinking about those days in class way before we were ever anything to each other. Our gazes would meet at random times throughout the day and I thought for some reason we shared a secret before we ever shared a real conversation. At some point in our lives, we finally did. I remember that day. On the seaside and the sun setting right in front of us. I asked her questions I've always wanted to ask, like a child in a museum that houses every artifact of her life. She did the same. My memories betray me and I cannot for the life of me remember the rest of the topics we had in that conversation aside from family and the rocks beneath our feet, but I had a feeling our souls may have already met in our other lives.
It was hours before we stopped, and we only did because our group had to go. On the commute, she rested her head on my shoulder and my heart melted and melted all the way until it was time to get off my stop. When I came home that day I thought we could have gone forever if it was only us. I remember her hair pressing to my cheek and neck, the bumps in the road that made my hand instinctively reach for her left ear and before I went sleep that night I thought of nothing else but that. I had worried a little if I dreamed it. I had worried more what if it will not happen again.
She proved my unwanted thoughts wrong that first time, as she would for countless other things in the next few years. The first time she came over my family knew of her as a friend. She brought me and my brother food and greeted them for the first time. I didn't care for telling my family anything about my sexuality then, but I wonder now if they ever realized she has already set herself apart from everybody else because my friends come in circles and groups just the way I like them and that's how they've all been to our house. Then there's this girl who has made time for me and sought out my company and mine alone, just because.
We were bound to share a lot more firsts at our age. Though I never really cared for the number of years, I initially had fear of putting in too much too early in the game or making myself so vulnerable at a time when growth and maturity inevitably will shift a lot of things in my life and mind. We were barely out of high school. I got scared at times, having thoughts of calculus homework and after-college life plans in the same headspace because of her. I think this was brought about by how our peers approached dating. Eventually, I realized I have to stop paying attention to whatever the rest of the pack is doing and just went with what I know. I failed to imagine my life without her. Out of all the people in the world, she's the only one I can allow myself to be vulnerable and so is the other way around and in time that in itself allowed us to have everything resembling of trust and authenticity.
I don't think there's any reason or deep meaning to it. As mortal beings we inherently regard time as the most invaluable resource of all, so where we put our attention to and the time we carve to make an effort for something or someone says a lot about what we give value to. We listen and make time to spend with each other. Nothing I can do a good job of explaining, really, but I wanted to write about how I came to love the love of my life and the first moments we shared together to commemorate our anniversary.
At the end of the day, she is also my best friend. It may sound a bit silly, but this works the way you always want to tell your best friend what happened to your day. They're the person you can rely on when things get tough. Someone who will not judge. Someone who will bury the body with you. In this life, I found my best friend and the love of my life in one person. And with that I get to experience a kind of happiness that I know doesn't come by a lot. That makes me hope for good things. It makes me fall in love with life, because the world, despite its cruelty, let me have this one.
I wish I could show everyone how beautiful she is. I was hoping you can all just figure it out from my words.
Thanks for stopping by to read!