hello again ~ life update - september 2025
Last night, I had a dream that someone from work found out about my blog. It was vivid, like many of my usual dreams, which just resulted in me being scared, waking up and finding how hard my jaw was clenched at the manifestations.
My first bearblog-versary has passed and not much has changed - no one knows about it except r and that I could barely track down how it came about because of less and less of me documenting my blogging journey.
Not much has changed, I feel like this won't be as fun anymore if non-strangers would come by on my little home here on the web and know it's me. I want to flesh this out because I want to know if it's negotiable or otherwise my words and thoughts and whatever skill I'm improving here will just remain hidden from that part of my life, and most likely will only be revealed when I’m dead or not at all.
Is this a self-esteem or insecurity problem of mine? It’s so plain and raw. My conception of sentences has barely any thought on the first try. Am I afraid it's revealing too much of me, unknowingly? Why am I feeling concealed in the first place? I must think so highly of my own words if I am being this over-protective over them.
I once told r that she could read the physical notebook that is my daily journal. The only catch is that, we would not talk about it and it would not be brought up in any circumstance. I told her that because I trust her that she would respect my decision. Not much to report there - I have no idea if she even opened the thing.
Anything I've written down in there has already served its purpose. They're just thoughts... and imagining it the way I do, the journal is just as soupy as my brain. It's no use being scrutinized or being read because it's really only meant to be written down and nothing else.
Of course, a true blue blog is not the same as my journal - I am well aware this is public-facing, but as for their similarity, I take upon almost the same method of word vomiting, so the fear of being found out is still here for some reason. And maybe I am simply just ashamed.
If someone does find this and you know me from the less digital world, I don't think I'd be comfortable with it being brought up. Not yet, at least. Okay, this all started with a horrible dream which probably happened because I open bearblog and my blog with my work laptop from time to time (not recommended), and now writing and thinking about this just feels a little silly (!!)
life update
Carrying on - hello, hello hi - it's been a while, I am back and I prefix that a lot in my previous posts but I'm here once again, still trying to nurture my space here. I have a lot to tell you, though it seems I'll never actually run out of that. Here is a rundown.
In the past several weeks...
I became slightly important at work and even more invested, both with my time and mentally, in doing tasks because of performance metric changes in our team.
The Pride month event I organized was finally done! It was such a big weight off my shoulders. I didn't enjoy Pride month this year as much as I thought I would because of it. Still, it was fun and there's always next year.
Got my haircut!!!! I am so happy with the way this turned out. It was expensive. But for a reason. I look so pretty. I've never felt like this about a haircut before.
Family stuff 1: On mom's birthday, we bought white AF1 shoes. All the same color and model for me, my mom and my brother, just different sizes. My dad sulked for like 10 minutes and we labeled the shoe boxes with our names.
Family stuff 2: I went to UP! So happy to be back here when my brother took the UPCAT. Did a lot of wayfinding and the traffic had gotten so bad, I forgot that it was almost 5 years now since my last visit. I didn't get to pass the UPCAT and went ahead to study at another uni, but UP holds a very special place in my heart because it was a monumental part of me and r's love story. And the LRT Katipunan station, too. hehe
Me and r planned our Hanoi trip ^^ Such a joy to do this. I realized that this is the kind of thing I could have as a "job" and have true fun with it. Or maybe I just love planning for things with people I love. I will send out a planning or trip report soon.
Speaking of my girlfriend, r just graduated and officially finished her degree! I am immensely proud of her. I've seen and witnessed how much she worked hard for this, it is just so heart-warming and I am so very full of pride to see her see it through and finish.
Unsurprisingly failing in finding a new apartment. This is something we've already allocated a few afternoons outside of work for, but we still don't have any leads or possible options... I have to admit I underestimated what luck we would need to find a place that ticks all our boxes. I hope to not be overwhelmed by it all.
a more recent update
I sprained my left ankle last week.
TTTTTTTTTTTT
Me and work buddies were supposed to go for a run after our shift and it just so happened that the road was uneven and it had me rolling it while we were still walking to a running spot. God. It was the first time in my whole life that an ambulance came for me - on the roadside. It was that bad.
We had to book 2 rideshare services just so I could get home. Only got to walk again with a limp after 5 days.
No broken bones, thankfully. It was just very depressing. I was so embarrassed. That week, I was exposed more than usual to my tendencies and behavior of refusing to ask for help. It’s not a very beautiful facet of my personality and the universe decided to humble and remind me.
Lessons: watch where or how my foot falls and learn to ask for or accept help.
… an even more recent update
I learned that my aunt passed away while I was almost already finished with this post. I wish I didn’t have to write this part.
It’s been a few days since, and now I’m back home and I’ve already cried and wallowed and turned thoughts in my head and I did that some more on the day of the burial on the 28th.
My tita is the eldest daughter of my mom’s family. Though not the eldest child, she was tasked to take care of the younger ones when my Lola was not around. She gave my mom her name. She’s the mom of 4 of my boy cousins and my oldest memory of her is her wishing she’d have a daughter and that it would be me.
I didn’t know why I wanted to act strong and tough at first. It only took getting to the chorus of the first song that played loud from the hearse, for me to let it all out. We walked the entire procession with my tears just falling with every step of my healed ankle.
time is impossible to figure out over here
I love that I can just write about things that have long happened and not feel like it has been long over and unworthy to share. The blog is timeless in that regard. I don’t feel any urgency to share, though that of course varies, but immediacy of knowing is not expected either! It’s so cool to read about experiences here that have already happened years or months or even just an hour ago.
I aspire to have that kind of time event diversity on my blog, like some case of “Never tell them your next move!” The feat of human memory can be so surprising and even better, our capacity to discover new perspectives and reflect on them.
For now, though, this is what has happened in the past months where I was MIA. Now look at that, I’m on the night shift again like it’s a full circle. Lastly, speaking of time - komments can now be sorted from most recent to least! Thanks for being here, strangers or not so strangers (need to get over myself).
09 Sep, 2025